The Giant Gurglefuss Puss
I am working on a new blog post, I swear, but I just heard back from a poetry contest I had entered that I was not a prize winner. It was called the Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest and accepted all manner of absurdist, ridiculous, funny poetry. I'm really proud of my submission regardless of outcome so decided it would be by second blog. It's definitely inspired by the writing of Shel Silverstein. I hope you enjoy. And feel free to share. I laugh reading it myself if that means anything.
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The Giant Gurglefuss Puss by Layne Ihde
Jeffrey’d been searching the mountain for days
He was tired and fed up in so many ways
His canteen was dented, his backpack was wet
His spirits were down in the dumps and still yet
He held to the hopiest hope he could find
the trail to the lost old Floogenmoor Mine
See, that’s where the beast did reportedly lay
though it was all rumor, conjecture, hearsay
But Jeffrey had something that others did not
his grandpa’s old map he found under a cot
in the attic behind some old trunks and some shoes
it was taped to a cob-webby bottle of booze
Three weeks he’d been out here with nothing to show
except for some buggy bites under his clothes
but he just kept going, was hot on the trail
just knew he could find it, he would not fail
Now what he would do when he found it, who knows?
He wasn’t a fighter if it came to blows
The creature purportedly was very large
its vision was bad, but its body a barge
but Jeffrey just needed to get behind close
to lance a butt pimple, what? That’s so gross!
For that was the thing about this odd creature
the puss from its zits was its claim-to-fame feature
Supposedly when you applied it to skin
it made you look young and it made you look thin
so every celeb and new online sensation
would pay arm and leg for said lubrication
Follywood’d love him, he’d move to LD
Los Demones, he’d heard, was the place he should be
‘Cause Jeff needed money, he had to get rich
his big student loans and huge debt he could ditch
He’d majored in Botany, flunked all the sessions
and racked up huge sums from his flugelhorn lessons
So he was committed, he slogged through the rain
He could see the goal line, to him it was plain
And as luck would have it, this would be the day
for an old wooden barricade now barred the way
He could make out a “Floo” and a “moo” on its face
He was pretty sure that this was the place
Plus, when he broke through the stale wood with his wrench
from the mouth of the old dusty shaft came a stench
Something like 5 month old pizza and feet
crossed with a barf bag left in plane seat
Good thing he’d brought a gas mask, he was pleased
He put it on snug and descended with ease
Jeffrey wound down the dark passage real slow
He couldn’t risk banging his schnoz or his toe
or anything really that would make a loud noise
he’d end up as one of the monster’s chew toys
But after what felt like an hour he was there
it certainly looked like a door to a lair
and inside the cavernous vault he heard breathing
a kind of a gurgle-y snore and gum teething
He approached from behind its behind with much stealth
and all the while he pondered great wealth
He made sure to keep an eye on its tail
which could pound him into the wall like a nail
It was big all right, they really weren’t kidding
The name Giant Gurglefuss was very fitting
Pink and purple all over the place
from his current spot he could not see the face
Which was fine by him, he wouldn’t complain
Get puss and get gone before he was slain
He sidled on up to a big pustule
and rummaged around to find the right tool
to pierce that sucker and get at the goo
He thought to himself, “At least it’s not poo.”
Just as he was about to dig in
he felt a warm breeze blow across his left shin
When he looked, a huge head coiled ‘round
just looking at him then making a sound
“Trying to get at my puth, that the githt?”
emerged from the humongous mouth in a lithp
“Um, er, ah, yeah,” was all Jeff could say
He was plotting to make a quick get away
“Well, you’re in luck. I’m in bit of a mood
give me your pitch, I won’t eat you for food.
Matter ‘fact if I like it, I may give you thome
and not kill you right there for touching my bum”
So Jeff laid it out, he’d no reason to lie
When he was done, he looked into its eye
And to his surprise, he saw caring there
the monster sat up then he started to share
Seems he, too, had problems with money and knowledge
He’d failed Scaring School and dropped Monster College
His friends and his parents were very disgusted
So he blew that town, he was done, it was dusted
And what he proposed almost blew Jeffrey’s mind
They would both profit, it was really most kind
He’d take some rare goo on a regular basis
and develop a salve for those Follywood faces
He’d sell it for maximum profit and then
bring half of it back to his new partner’s den
He’d also do some landscaping detail
to keep snoopy hunters far off of their trail
The years went by and they both were rewarded
they got all their financial issues well sorted
Jeffrey had mansions and liked fancy dressin’
the Gurglefuss got a flat screen and speech lessons
The further it went, they now didn’t meet
A courier company could do it discrete
They lived their own lives and had drifted apart
but they were still friends deep down in their hearts
Then one night, Jeffrey came out from club Torch
and looked up while climbing inside his new Porsche
A pink hulking mass flew right ‘cross the sky
he knew who it was in the blink of an eye
He’d never known monster to leave his dark lair
but I guess even beasts sometimes need some fresh air
As it got closer he yelled to the night,
“Hey friend, you really do make quite a sight
There’s only one thing left that I never knew
You never did tell me your name, so please do”
The Gurglefuss wheeled on his side to the left
and before he lit out he yelled, “My name ith Jeeeeff!”
